Class of Things Just Got Real.

It is insane to think about how I will be graduating from college in just 2 1/2 short months. School has been the only consistent thing in my entire life. I have so much left to figure out before I am thrown in the the real world. Where do I want to live? Where can I stay in the mean time? How am I going to pay the bills if I get an unpaid internship? Do I really want to have a nine-to-five desk job? There are so many questions that I am constantly asking myself with far too little answers.

Since apparently my own stress and pressure is not bad enough, I have to hear it from everyone I know. They are all asking me what I want to do when I finish school, each throwing their grand ideas at me. Sadly, I am not one of those people who found something I loved right off of the bat. In fact, I find it hard to pay attention to anything long enough to make the decision to do that one thing for the rest of my life. Why should I have to choose one thing? What if I'd like to be a writer, but work as a waitress until I publish? Maybe I could work as a profiler for the CIA, which would be absolutely fascinating, but would I have to give up my family? Anything where I am helping people seems to satisfy me, but where do I begin to look for a job that actually supports others while making sure I can support myself as well? Then I think, well is this good enough?? I must do better than this because I'm sure this is not what my family had in mind.

"Please stop asking me who I am and what I am going to do with my degree/life. Don't you think I am worried enough about finding that answer??"

Not only am I having a hard time with all of these questions floating around in my head but I am struggling with pull of my youth, and the demand to become a functioning, independent, adult. I still want to learn how to dance, and to be a better singer. I want to climbs mountains (literally) and become really fit and good at boxing. I want to dance in the rain barefoot without being looked at like I am crazy. I want to watch disney movies whenever I please and hang out with my best friend at the park while we laugh and drink from our not so conspicuous flask. Then there is this strange guilt that pours over me at times. I am 22, nearly 23. Not such a kid anymore. I should know exactly what I am doing with my life. I should move to a new city, live in my own house, pay my bills, know who my local physician is, and drink coffee in the morning before my crappy desk job. I should fall in love, or at least serious like and settle down with a man who I will one day have kids with. I should plan for retirement and save money for my kids college funds. I should become a lover of classical music and sip on red wine at dinner.

My issue is that person is not me. I prefer beer to wine, I love rock music, I don't have a normal doctor, I do not want to work at a desk, and I am no where near being able to pay for a roommateless house in a city. 

I might want to be that person one day ( well maybe not exactly) but for now, I choose a slightly less traditional path and although I am not entirely sure what that path is, I know what is is not. And that my friends, is a start. So here I am 2 1/2 months away from graduating, not knowing that answers to any of these questions, once again struggling with the pressure I put on myself to figure it out. Tomorrow is another day I will spend trying to answer these questions and more but for now, I am going to crack open a coconut, lay on a beach and catch some rays.